I've had to deal with bodies after suicide, the blood, mess, pets, cops, ems, coroner, parents, siblings, neighbors, friends. I've been the last person to see someone alive, the first to see them after they died. I've been as close as you can get without doing it - many, many times. And I have some wisdom about it:
1. There's ONE reason why someone commits suicide, it's simple and it's inarguable: their suffering is so bad, they just can't live. To accept this, I focus on "their suffering was so bad". Can I imagine an ocean of suffering swallowing me every day, with no relief, for what feels like forever? Even in the bowels of the cave of my crippling depression, relentless pain & grief, I get slivers of relief, hope, gratitude, love, a reprieve. That's the only thing keeping a person from ending their life. If you can't access it, you will see no value in living - *the suffering is that bad*.
I've known plenty of people left behind after suicide who torture themselves looking for reasons they could or should have prevented it, and in the process they twist the act into something they should have been able to control. A person takes their own life as an ultimate act of control, and when they've decided, there's nothing anyone can do to change it. I've done everything including locking myself in rooms with suicidal people, trying to talk them past it. I may have stalled them, but every one of them eventually took their own life. That's not because I failed, it's because their suffering was bigger than me or anything. It was their only choice, to them. The only response for me is deep compassion.
2. And also: suicide and its aftermath are some of the most violent and cruel things I've ever endured - on par with domestic violence and rape. What it does to the body, to the people who find the body, to loved ones left behind - the wreckage is devastating, it cracks lives in half, rips hearts to shreds, fucks with the psyche and body in terrible ways. How could a person make a choice so destructive? *The suffering was that bad*, it blinds.
I've processed so much anger about this and it's normal - you're allowed to be angry if you're caught in this crossfire. There's no way to true compassion without real honesty, and the truth of suicide is that it's intrinsically selfish. A person contemplating it is INCAPABLE of thinking of others and the impact of their actions - *that's how bad their suffering is* - and what they've done is so finite, there's no accountability. In this regard, I've suspected that the violence is somewhat intentional. It can feel like a purposeful assault. Like a big "fuck you" to the world that couldn't save them, "Look at how I can hurt you, you'll hurt as bad as I do now". This doesn't change my point about their suffering, in fact it reinforces it. *This is how horrific their pain is*. The compassion I offer them must also exist for me, for surviving their violences.
3. I believe the only thing that can maybe "prevent" suicide in any concrete way is direct, daily action - being devoted to creating a world where support exists for EVERYONE. It requires deep community accountability for each other's wellbeing. A path out of selfishness is connection to others, so every act of kindness, friendship, creativity, mutual aid, sharing of resources is a little tiny bit of medicine that puts a finger on the scale in favor of STAYING ALIVE.
The people I know who suffer as bad or worse than anyone I know who's committed suicide, who choose to STAY ALIVE (myself included), are too conscious of how it would impact others, and we just can't stomach causing that much pain. I could never do that to the animals that depend on me, the friends who love me, the earth that mothers me. I just could never. My suffering is one thing, causing immeasurable rings of suffering for others is for me intolerable. This doesn't mean I don't have compassion for someone who's suffering is so bad that they just cannot care. I'm saying - the only hope we have of preventing suicide is getting down & dirty with real human connection, building community and connection. While knowing that even then - the choice is theirs. I wish suicidal people wouldn't, and I wouldn't, but I have compassion for them. It's very hard to be alive. Let's be kind to each other, take care of each other, always ❤️