LOVER

haunt them

I think I'm in despair
The wind is in the trees
Basically just waiting for something to come along and eat me
Is this future's gate? Where my dreams retreat? And all my memories are just memories of memories?

And folded in a dream
Pitch-black and glowing blue
A raven saying, "I know a way to help you"
I stared into his eyes
Saw my pale last days, said, "What you can't escape, you gotta embrace"

I know a way to get back
This don't have to end
A way to get back
And haunt them haunt them haunt them

Then he wished me plain
And flew away
Said I'd see him coming on that pale last day
And he wished me a plain
Ordinary death
Said he'd be back after I escaped it

Oh I've seen how they are
How they sell their souls
In little bits and pieces, til they get old
They don't make a dent
In indifference

We'll haunt them haunt them haunt them

But I want to go back
If this is the end
I want to go back
And haunt them haunt them haunt them

The Secret Path

4 years

Woke up crying. Trying to pry my heart open just a little bigger than the pain. The grief & isolation are so heavy. I put my hands on earth and pray, turn up to sky and pray

 

singing, still

The heartbreaking thing about post exertion malaise is you go out into the world and it'll be a delicious joy because you hardly ever can. You'll be swept away by how beautiful it all is and you'll convince yourself you can stay out a bit longer, you feel good, you'll be ok. Then you get home and realize it's not ok, you're dying, pain burns thru you like battery acid. But it's too late and all you can do is lie there and suffer and wish you'd done things differently, lived a little less, wanted less, felt less. But you had to try because life's so intoxicating and everything is passing you by - 

And this is why EVERYONE'S advice for "exercise & cognitive behavioral therapy" as a treatment for this is so fucking infuriating. It DOESN'T WORK. Culturally, we have to make a massive paradigm shift on how we treat and think about chronic illness, wellness, what makes a meaningful life. Especially as millions of folks are newly disabled by Long Covid and its PEM. But who in this world that created the problem has the guts to face it? They'll only do it if we make them, and we can't lift our heads because we dared explore the riverbank 15 minutes longer -

Those of us living with disabilities have to run psychological gauntlets just to not feel like total failures, to not shame ourselves with internalized ableism, to feel even THIS LIFE is worth living. It's an endless rollercoaster of exhausting work to manage being so exhausted. While you still contain all your passion, visions, lust for life. And just outside the window birds are flying with your dreams in their wings, dissolving minor key songs -

NOW

Every day, every way. Trans liberation is indigenous, black, queer, disabled's liberation, every oppressed person's liberation. Transphobia is a manifestation of patriarchal misogyny and white supremacy. It is anti earth, anti creativity, anti life. None us are free til all of us are free, ALL. No debate. 

And while drag is not trans, the fascist laws being passed to criminalize drag are a not-so-covert way to attack trans folks. Drag artists must also be protected - drag is joy, healing medicine, political resistance, radical, empowering. Drag has saved me from the deepest despair; drag artists, trans & queer folks have loved me til I could love myself.

The only predators I've known are cis het men & women, and they are mostly white. My mother who beat & terrorized me, my father who abandoned me, my rapist who tortured me, priests who shamed me, colonizers genociding, the endless parade of men who've harassed & assaulted me at school, work, play - all cis het & white. 

They come for our freedom cuz that's who they are, what they do, have always done. Don't be surprised, don't wonder if they know what they're doing- they know. And they forget how every assault only radicalizes us. It takes a toll - yes - but in the end makes us stronger, cuz it unites us. So I will keep being my authentic self - queer, non-binary, indigenous, disabled, free - and I know millions of my kin will, too. We will post, make calls, write emails, talk to community, be there for each other, hit the streets, do the damn thing, keep living. Cuz that's what we've always done. If you need me, I'm HERE. Onward, in solidarity and love

Art by @artsandwitchcrafts

 

 

 

Covid disabled me hardcore & I can't work like I used to. So I've been getting some food stamps to help. But Biden has ended the Covid emergency, so my monthly benefit is now $60. $60. Soon I'll have no food. I'm not ashamed of needing help; being abandoned to go hungry should be a crime. We can draw a direct line from them saying the pandemic is over to this abandonment. I'm sick of this shit, it's literal shit. Elders, kids, disabled abandoned - textbook eugenics. I tell my story not for pity but to resist how these systems are erasing us.

The truth is, the less I have, the less my community has. I make fewer meals for senior & disabled friends, feed my pets less, feed stray cats less, feed birds less, it's LESS all around. Less heat, more cold, less health; more pain, isolation, suffering. More doctors, less work. Less writing, music, pleasure. Everything is connected and impacted. I ask for help so I can give it. I'm a spoke on the wheel. If I can't eat, the wheel slows. Help me, help the wheel. This is true for all of us. We must keep helping each other however we can 💘