LOVER

ready set go

Remember/Holga camera, Fuji 400 color film/©EUnderwood

MOVED

Annunciation/Holga camera, 400TMax film/©EUnderwood

 

------------------------------ Newness

is its own nightmare, haunting sweet old

patterns like a meth cloud. The stink of it -

 

chemicals that have no right in a body, pinching

every last bit of humanity out into

a gaunt shell of who you really are. Who are you

when you're nowhere you recognize. Somewhere

wild, naked. It's like I just woke

up after years of insomnia, questioning

every decision I ever made. Maddening

 

cacophony - drip

drip

drip

tick tick tick, a goddamn metronome

in the pillows, late night tv's

bleeding through with teeth,

and everyone thinks you're nuts -

you're not nuts, you're bellows

and this space is ember. How

 

will I be? Oh, like it's always

been

forever, my life

story - onward, onward

some inexplicable way - impossible,

incomprehensible way. Puzzled

 

out of thin air, a process

reveals 

a sliver of a

thread of a

path of a 

way

it won't behave

it's a young horse under the saddle, it's a bullshit

courtship that only leads to 

heartache, a bogus

scheme conjured up by a bunch of

crafty sons of bitches. But underneath

the bramble, the awful

cacophony - now there's the interesting

 

stuff - soup made

out of rocks and water, gold

spun from cornsilk, hope

from wretched bones -

how does it happen? You don't know

and I don't either

so don't even try.

 

Other people are far too close, and specific 

people too far. All this city crouches down on me sometimes,

sucking all my air out. Beating back

the raptors

gunning for my jays, leave, leave me

alone! Come back, back

to stay, drowsy

gentle

safe

place, come beat

the death out of 

me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Action

This election couldn't be harder. NOT cuz America is "divided" but cuz all these races are in HEAVILY gerrymandered districts rife with electoral corruption that favors the Red. It's like life as a woman, or more accurately, a Native woman in America: work 50 times as hard to maybe get less than half of half of half.

But I don't believe our success, or failure, can be measured by winning, or losing, elections. What I believe is more nuanced than that, it's more complex than binaries, which don't make sense in a progessive world. I believe that in our continued engagement, we have the potential to change the conditions that create "wins", and in that: we win, we've won, that's it. Thinking this way, they never have any real power over me, this way I don't get disillusioned and quit. Quitting is not an option.

That said, if we do "win" some important fights (Abrams, Gillum, Underwood, Sharice Davids, Deb Haaland, Beto, etc), (which I would LOVE, I campaigned hard for them & others), I don't believe these wins will equal being able to "take a break from politics". The level of exertion I put toward these midterms, and fighting Nazis, fighting white supremacy, fighting institutionalized sexism, fighting the Kavanaugh nom, fighting against separating families, the trans ban, the Muslim ban, homophobia, the 2016 election, attacks on Roe, is the norm. I have to do MORE, forever.

I've never gotten my energy for the fight from dreams of winning, I get it from my faith that fighting for equality and parity is ethically and morally right. I do believe that there is a right way to live, and I'm doing my best to align my actions with that vision.

I look to leaders like Valarie Kaur, Adrienne Maree Brown, Brittany Packnett, Eve Ensler, Deray McKesson, etc for sustenance, hope, and guidance. Here's an incredible spell from Adrienne that she suggests be spoken aloud througout the day. It's a wonderful prescription, I hope you, too, can share

I haven't written here because I've been too busy protesting, organizing, marching, phone banking, conversating, conversating, conversating to turn this country around. It's taking everything. It's giving something. "My activism is the rent I pay to live on this planet," Alice Walker. Yes. Always. Still. Now.