Get Back/Local Tomatoes Safe

There's a grand gorgeous pleasure to being alone with the stereo, a favorite band, the ceiling fan, just a quiet night during which you might cry, if you give your self the freedom. I give myself freedom and give it. And laugh. God it's good to get back.

Bare feet in wet grass, this is simple, really: I practice innocence, still, again. I practice being still even though underneath I confess it can get frantic. It feels sometimes like life is just a constant spin - round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows - to keep the head above water. And here I am, living on water. It's purposeful, and it's as if it's personal, and it is, and isn't. When did it all get so intense? Feeling like we have to fight s how - having to fight just to exist, for our homes, our families, the things we love, having to fight for things that nobody should have to fight for. It's no wonder I'm obsessed with giving things away, in the belly of this.

I only want to say if I can, and I can, all I want to do is enlarge a space of peace and beauty. Like a reservoir I picture it expanding around me and I imagine just floating in it. A fine balance between things seems to be the best way to live a life fully felt, which is how I live, and yet I admit I've been fevered and insomniac and pissed. I confess I've been all the things my life is not devoted to - my real life, the simple inside life, the internal core, my real heat (that is hot but sweet). Things have gotten messy and lonely, too bare, too tender. So what I'm aiming for here is an absolution that only I can give:

I forgive myself for surviving
I forgive myself for asking forgiveness
I forgive myself for wanting
I forgive myself for weakening
I forgive myself for pretending
I forgive myself for dreaming big
I forgive myself my infractions
I forgive myself those nights that kept lasting
I forgive myself for wanting affection from people who cannot give it
I forgive myself for not letting go
I forgive myself for letting go
I forgive myself for resisting the pain
I forgive myself for hoping to be free and safe
I forgive myself for being angry
I forgive myself for having no shame

All I want is to get past the world that wants me to spend my energy explaining horrors away, to live with injustice, to be a stunted tree growing around the fence. There is no explanation for anything terrible, there's no answer, there's no solution for the past; no matter what happens I'm still who I am: I'm still going to be a good samaritan. And what I want is to relax and go to sleep and wake up happy. I am going to relax and take a bath and go to sleep and wake up happy. I relaxed, took a hot bath, slept, woke happy - that's all there is to it.