I can't stay awake, it's that drugged feeling of wanting to wake and not being able, and I am asleep. I am entirely oblivious to the world around me to the extent that it feels like I'm just asleep. Then I'm struggling to wake as we do when we are exhausted but have got to get up; I'm literally fighting to open my eyes. And step by step I become aware of my situation. 1. I am in an airport with my dog Annie. 2. I am wearing a heavy camel-colored wool winter coat and an eye-mask. 3. I can't wake or stand up and I want to.
The plane is boarding. I don't even have my boarding pass. I fight to be awake enough to at least take off the damned eye-mask. Annie's on her red leash, just by me, just with me, the way she always was when she was alive. I struggle to get to the check-in desk and am able to pull out my i.d. and to identify myself and where I am going. I'm leaving Austin. I fall asleep again and fall down. This exhaustion is exhausting. I don't know that I can make it to where I wanna go. I have to get on that plane, y'know. My dog & I have got to get out of Texas.
I fall down and people help me get back up again. I keep apologizing. Nobody speaks directy to me. "I'm sorry I'm sorry," and I'm propped against the desk. Annie's amazing, this is before her tumor appeared and she's herself - a brave calm dog. Can you take a dog on a plane? I honestly cannot remember; I've lost my conception of how the world works. I'm being asked my address in Austin and I can't remember. Where did I stay? Someplace forgettable. I am nauseous and ridiculously feeble. What's most terrifying is my consciousness of my vulnerability. It just can't be possible that I can't take Annie on the plane. She'll sit at my feet. We'll get away.
I struggle to wake and get the eye mask off. Where's Annie? She's not here. Oh. No. She's dead. But Cody's there in the nook of my arm. I am equally happy to wake and grief-stricken over the absence of my dog. I am equally ready to work and terrified that I won't have the strength that I need to get my life back.
It's been a long road, yes it has.
Posted by: Indy 500 | 25/04/2006 at 18:17
what a shitty dream. Makes me want to take you dancing.
Posted by: JEM | 26/04/2006 at 00:01
What we all wake with every morning, that human struggle. But you will make it. Because you will. You WILL. You're just awesome, Eli. And do not fret about the video - I can let go of things too.
hey guess what? I wore a suit tonight!
Posted by: HawkEye | 26/04/2006 at 00:57
you got married, didn't you?!
Posted by: eau | 26/04/2006 at 18:46