It started slow and quiet, rootbeer in coffee mugs, the comparing of paths "Where you from?" and band histories and links/crossovers, evening light, porch sitting. I had a gigantic vat of red beans on, bread and salad, candles, pets, flowers, David, Andy, Mitch, Herman. And stories were swapped, the band looked around, not knowing what to expect, none of us really. Small waves of good people began fanning down upon this house; all warm, all kind, eager -- my people. Who came here to be in my house, hear my band, eat my food, support those P.H.Haint geniuses, flirt, trade information, dance. We had bug candles, beer in cans, wooden chairs. And The Pine Hill Haints did play but not before The Black Bonnets.
AND THEN: THE PINE HILL HAINTS!!!!!!!!! It was chocolate, coffee, sand, wine, owls, shadows, beams of light. "It's a full moon too," Jamie said later on. It was glorious. They made my whole body happy, awake, safe, strong, at peace. Them w/their lean bass-player playing a "stick on a string" tied to a washtub w/his leather gloves like a falconeer, Katie nailing that wild sweet rhythm w/her mandolin & washboard so mysteriously true, the fella on the banjo & howling, drummer who barely said two words the whole time here playing his snare w/that towel on top of it a train a metronome haunted just going away, and then Jamie. Oh lord. Red cowboy shirt and that guitar oh that guitar and that voice. Piercing haunting literally PINEY crystalline. Lord. Them playing on that wooden plank with the toy horse and hay and banana trees. I only wanted it to last and last.
I am so fucking proud to have been able to give them New Orleans like this -- it was exactly what I knew it would be: smart, attentive, interesting, sexy people playing for smart, attentive, interesting, sexy people. We filled their kitty pretty damn good! They sold some merch! They ate red beans and told great stories. And they delivered a kindof music that makes me feel like, well, I can carry on. I know I'm not alone in this: everyone was buzzing like happy honeyed bees. And we stayed up late listening to Neil Young and Rock Steady!!! dancing and singing in the kitchen, a late mug of coffee, a good laugh -- the gigantic mess of red-beans scraped to the bottom and yeah.
So with these blessings comes the knowledge I can't get away from: I lost an immense amount of things in 3 days: boom. The resulting anxiety in my body is a devil that is far too familiar and far too easy - I will not succumb I will not be swallowed. I don't know how I'm gonna make it all happen, it's the poorest month financially, it's never easy to move, it's sad. But but but. I'm all for transmutation; I'm all for finally evolving out of a dynamic that is not healthy for me. Besides there's worse things.
"All/of my decisions/come back into question. Every evil thing/I've witnessed/my heart beats strong it's my heartbeat's lesson"
My house smells like burnt coffee, the floors are worn dirty, I'm unsure of what to do next, how to move my body, who to lean on or if. Been bumping into things, losing words in my mouth. Will's on his way over to wash the dishes. It's time to get out the broom and sweep now.
