LOVER

Scotland/ancestral

Have you ever walked the hills your father's father's father walked? When none of them knew or cared about you, the land did. The land always does. The land remembers 

*Art by Wendy Elisheva*

In Ontario, Sarah Jamas is expelled from the NDP for speaking up against Israel's war crimes. 

The United States vetoes a United Nations resolution which would have called for humanitarian pauses in Gaza. 

Amnesty International proclaims that the movement of Palestinians which Israel demands is not feasible, thousands will die. 

My Congressman responds to my email with "Israel has the right to defend itself against the attackers," when I ask him to speak against the genocide. 

Zionism was invented in the late 19th century. 

Jewish people protest the genocide and say "Not in our name!"

Before Israel started bombing Gaza on October 7th, 450 trucks of humanitarian aid entered Gaza every day. 20 trucks have been allowed in since October 7th. 

Gaza is surrounded by a concrete wall and double wire fencing. 

It's not a war or a "conflict" when you've been punching your opponent in the face every day for over 70 years - you control their water and their electricity and their fuel and their food and their medical supplies and where they can live and what they can say and you keep hitting them and hitting them. You force every citizen in your country to join your army or go to jail. You kill journalists and babies and kittens and uproot olive trees. You say anyone who advocates against this senseless slaughter is antisemitic. You punish Jews for speaking up against your lies. When you want their homes, you take it. You kidnap their family and neighbors without trial and lock them in prison with no release dare. You call them animals and the United States gives you billions of dollars to keep on hitting them. Canada sells you $20 million dollars worth military equipment each year and says "I support you."

The transitioning

A garden is an exercise of hope

There's good lettuce under that row cover

And yes, it snowed

The heart of roses, pine, sweetgrass, living breathing guiding my chest, grows and blooms and is crushed, crushed in the palms of my silent friends. Silent thru the ongoing pandemic and every blow to my/our body, silent thru this genocide, this incomprehensible unjustifiable criminal trauma. I've not figured out how to not be enraged by their silence.

My anger is rooted & sourced, drinks the cool clear water of my deep loving heart. My palms clasped in prayer every night as I cry myself to fitful sleep, tossing, turning, wondering who will surprise me. And I'm never surprised, except by the strangers, new comrades online. I'm not saying a few tried & true blue friends don't exist, ones aligned with liberation, abolition, no matter how hard it gets. My beloveds. Thank God for that. But they don't surprise me. I yearn for enchantment, to be surprised. Deep in my bones, none of this does.

My heart is crushed, friends. The silence of so many is so loud. I'm calling back, back through time, to my ancestors whose bodies lived this harder than mine, ear to ground, mouth to sky. Onward

"We do not want peace, we want liberation," Kwame Ture

Grateful for my teachers and elders, ancestors who survived genocide, war and oppression and came out the other side to teach and lead.

Somatic Abolitionism requires action—and repeated individual and communal practice. Through repetition, you collectively build resilience, discernment, and the ability to tolerate discomfort that comes with confronting the brutality of race, class, imperialism, capitalism and all the systems that hold us in bondage. 

In the name of my ancestors who resisted violence against their own people on Turtle Island, who now watch in horror as the occupying empire funds and supports unspeakable atrocities fueled by the very wealth of the land where our ancestors bones feed the soil, I honor their sacrifices and work in small ways everyday to metabolize my own intergenerational traumas to feed and nourish embodied prayers for a better world. 

We can use social media as one measure of if people are still taking the pandemic seriously. Every post is of travel, school, parties, gyms, concerts, restaurants, art shows, work, events in crowded rooms & NOT ONE MASK. If you're still masking, this won't feel like an attack. If you're not and it does, ok. Instead of getting mad about me calling attention to the very real conditions that continue to force us disableds to forever quarantine, please get mad about the conditions forcing us to forever quarantine.

But C0v1d raging unchecked is doing a LOT more than endangering & isolating me - it's killing & disabling millions, many of them kids. Experts say by 2025, we'll be "drowning in a tsunami of disability". Is never wearing a mask again, and never being asked to care about or even be reminded of the nightmare that no C19 precautions creates, all that matters? Those of us who've adapted to the new reality of this endemic pandemic are ignored, shamed, mocked. While the general population happily clings to the corpse of "normal". Zzzzzzz. ADAPT! GOD IS CHANGE. 

I dream of (& work for) abolition for the world but systemic ableism, racism, misogyny & capitalism are just monsters, relentless, and rooted so deep, even the most magnetic movement workers & progressive organizers are sick with it. The only places I see it being manifested, fought & worked for are where people are *still masking*, joyously, consciously - where "accessibility" isn't a catch phrase but a genuine commitment. Can't have one without the other. 

You can't be a real ally in secret, that's not how it works, that changes nothing - in ourselves or our culture. Being brave enough to speak up in the face of injustice, to confront our flaws directly, is rare. Please name ONE non-disabled, non-chronically ill person (who's not one of our heroine dr scientists) fighting for my right to live, to be in public safely. I won't wait.

The new variants are vax resistant because we don't have max population equivalently vaxxed. Asymptomatic cases are 61% of cases. Repeat exposure disables & kills. It's NOT the flu - it triggers Long Covid, POTS, lung issues, diabetes, cancer, dementia, etc. Schools are shutting down, clinics closing, hospitals full, people are dropping sick at the US Open, but whyyyyeeee? Gov't won't say a damn thing cuz then they'd have to DO a damn thing. The gov't doesn't care about you, they really do not.

You can believe me. We can take this seriously, can do better. At the very least, people can start masking again, post pix of masking, destigmitize masking, get your kids masking, encourage it passionately. Because your community is being devastated, not just me. But me, too. And we're friends, yes? I care about me and you.

oknow

Here's what Covid did to me: pneumonia, Long Covid, 7 months of fever, nerve damage, brain damage, cognitive failure, high blood pressure, pre diabetes, thyroid/autoimmune disorder (Hashimotos), accelerated my ME/CFS (a crippling disability on its own), fibromyalgia (a crippling disability on its own), POTS (a crippling disability on its own), constant PAIN every single day, nausea, vision problems, devastating fatigue, muscle weakness, accelerated joint degradation/osteoarthritis, post-exertion malaise (a crippling component of ME/CFS), breast cancer (I have 0 genetic markers for cancer, 0 family history). It aged me 15 years, and yes, almost killed me, and still might. I used to run, now I can barely walk. I am chronically ill and permanently disabled. This is not a moral or intellectual failure, no "positive thinking" will cure this. 

If you see me upright, I AM A MIRACLE. I should never be able to be upright, much less work, garden, or do anything for pleasure. But I do. At less than half of what I used to, but I'm still here. It's not really about fighting, it's about surrender. I will not be getting better, please don't wish that for me! That's ableism. Love me AS IS. I'm learning how. I honestly don't think most people could endure this. You don't want to find out.