LOVER

We can use social media as one measure of if people are still taking the pandemic seriously. Every post is of travel, school, parties, gyms, concerts, restaurants, art shows, work, events in crowded rooms & NOT ONE MASK. If you're still masking, this won't feel like an attack. If you're not and it does, ok. Instead of getting mad about me calling attention to the very real conditions that continue to force us disableds to forever quarantine, please get mad about the conditions forcing us to forever quarantine.

But C0v1d raging unchecked is doing a LOT more than endangering & isolating me - it's killing & disabling millions, many of them kids. Experts say by 2025, we'll be "drowning in a tsunami of disability". Is never wearing a mask again, and never being asked to care about or even be reminded of the nightmare that no C19 precautions creates, all that matters? Those of us who've adapted to the new reality of this endemic pandemic are ignored, shamed, mocked. While the general population happily clings to the corpse of "normal". Zzzzzzz. ADAPT! GOD IS CHANGE. 

I dream of (& work for) abolition for the world but systemic ableism, racism, misogyny & capitalism are just monsters, relentless, and rooted so deep, even the most magnetic movement workers & progressive organizers are sick with it. The only places I see it being manifested, fought & worked for are where people are *still masking*, joyously, consciously - where "accessibility" isn't a catch phrase but a genuine commitment. Can't have one without the other. 

You can't be a real ally in secret, that's not how it works, that changes nothing - in ourselves or our culture. Being brave enough to speak up in the face of injustice, to confront our flaws directly, is rare. Please name ONE non-disabled, non-chronically ill person (who's not one of our heroine dr scientists) fighting for my right to live, to be in public safely. I won't wait.

 

The new variants are vax resistant because we don't have max population equivalently vaxxed. Asymptomatic cases are 61% of cases. Repeat exposure disables & kills. It's NOT the flu - it triggers Long Covid, POTS, lung issues, diabetes, cancer, dementia, etc. Schools are shutting down, clinics closing, hospitals full, people are dropping sick at the US Open, but whyyyyeeee? Gov't won't say a damn thing cuz then they'd have to DO a damn thing. The gov't doesn't care about you, they really do not.

You can believe me. We can take this seriously, can do better. At the very least, people can start masking again, post pix of masking, destigmitize masking, get your kids masking, encourage it passionately. Because your community is being devastated, not just me. But me, too. And we're friends, yes? I care about me and you.

oknow

Here's what Covid did to me: pneumonia, Long Covid, 7 months of fever, nerve damage, brain damage, cognitive failure, high blood pressure, pre diabetes, thyroid/autoimmune disorder (Hashimotos), accelerated my ME/CFS (a crippling disability on its own), fibromyalgia (a crippling disability on its own), POTS (a crippling disability on its own), constant PAIN every single day, nausea, vision problems, devastating fatigue, muscle weakness, accelerated joint degradation/osteoarthritis, post-exertion malaise (a crippling component of ME/CFS), breast cancer (I have 0 genetic markers for cancer, 0 family history). It aged me 15 years, and yes, almost killed me, and still might. I used to run, now I can barely walk. I am chronically ill and permanently disabled. This is not a moral or intellectual failure, no "positive thinking" will cure this. 

If you see me upright, I AM A MIRACLE. I should never be able to be upright, much less work, garden, or do anything for pleasure. But I do. At less than half of what I used to, but I'm still here. It's not really about fighting, it's about surrender. I will not be getting better, please don't wish that for me! That's ableism. Love me AS IS. I'm learning how. I honestly don't think most people could endure this. You don't want to find out.

I grow food

suicide

I've had to deal with bodies after suicide, the blood, mess, pets, cops, ems, coroner, parents, siblings, neighbors, friends. I've been the last person to see someone alive, the first to see them after they died. I've been as close as you can get without doing it - many, many times. And I have some wisdom about it:
1. There's ONE reason why someone commits suicide, it's simple and it's inarguable: their suffering is so bad, they just can't live. To accept this, I focus on "their suffering was so bad". Can I imagine an ocean of suffering swallowing me every day, with no relief, for what feels like forever? Even in the bowels of the cave of my crippling depression, relentless pain & grief, I get slivers of relief, hope, gratitude, love, a reprieve. That's the only thing keeping a person from ending their life. If you can't access it, you will see no value in living - *the suffering is that bad*.
I've known plenty of people left behind after suicide who torture themselves looking for reasons they could or should have prevented it, and in the process they twist the act into something they should have been able to control. A person takes their own life as an ultimate act of control, and when they've decided, there's nothing anyone can do to change it. I've done everything including locking myself in rooms with suicidal people, trying to talk them past it. I may have stalled them, but every one of them eventually took their own life. That's not because I failed, it's because their suffering was bigger than me or anything. It was their only choice, to them. The only response for me is deep compassion.

2. And also: suicide and its aftermath are some of the most violent and cruel things I've ever endured - on par with domestic violence and rape. What it does to the body, to the people who find the body, to loved ones left behind - the wreckage is devastating, it cracks lives in half, rips hearts to shreds, fucks with the psyche and body in terrible ways. How could a person make a choice so destructive? *The suffering was that bad*, it blinds.
I've processed so much anger about this and it's normal - you're allowed to be angry if you're caught in this crossfire. There's no way to true compassion without real honesty, and the truth of suicide is that it's intrinsically selfish. A person contemplating it is INCAPABLE of thinking of others and the impact of their actions - *that's how bad their suffering is* - and what they've done is so finite, there's no accountability. In this regard, I've suspected that the violence is somewhat intentional. It can feel like a purposeful assault. Like a big "fuck you" to the world that couldn't save them, "Look at how I can hurt you, you'll hurt as bad as I do now". This doesn't change my point about their suffering, in fact it reinforces it. *This is how horrific their pain is*. The compassion I offer them must also exist for me, for surviving their violences.

3. I believe the only thing that can maybe "prevent" suicide in any concrete way is direct, daily action - being devoted to creating a world where support exists for EVERYONE. It requires deep community accountability for each other's wellbeing. A path out of selfishness is connection to others, so every act of kindness, friendship, creativity, mutual aid, sharing of resources is a little tiny bit of medicine that puts a finger on the scale in favor of STAYING ALIVE.
The people I know who suffer as bad or worse than anyone I know who's committed suicide, who choose to STAY ALIVE (myself included), are too conscious of how it would impact others, and we just can't stomach causing that much pain. I could never do that to the animals that depend on me, the friends who love me, the earth that mothers me. I just could never. My suffering is one thing, causing immeasurable rings of suffering for others is for me intolerable. This doesn't mean I don't have compassion for someone who's suffering is so bad that they just cannot care. I'm saying - the only hope we have of preventing suicide is getting down & dirty with real human connection, building community and connection. While knowing that even then - the choice is theirs. I wish suicidal people wouldn't, and I wouldn't, but I have compassion for them. It's very hard to be alive. Let's be kind to each other, take care of each other, always ❤️

Cinnamon Black, FiYaYa, New Orleans

 

o hello

It's wild how nobody acknowledges Covid anymore while it's spiking at alarming rates, nobody's masking, vaxxes have lost efficacy against the new mutations, & the CDC admits repeat exposure is deadly. It's a massive, collective gaslighting that the world is engaged in & it's so fucking sad.

This pandemic has proven that people are less able to manage trauma, loss, death and change than ever before. No technological or material advances have made us more compassionate, creative, or capable of real change, evolution. The earth was betrayed by this culture & for what? Now the earth is biting back and people are not ready! None of what's happening now - unchecked pandemic, floods, fires, temperatures rising - can be endured in a sustainable way. But people are still blindly insisting on "normal", come hell or high water. Both are on the way

it's on

few things make me happier than growing food. Not just to interrupt capitalism, not just to eat. The whole process keeps the body connected to earth, and fluid, spontaneous. I'm learning it's like making music, growing things, or a painting or poem. Ya gotta stay sharp, ready to act when the fruit is ripe, to intervene when the plants are thirsty or getting devoured by aphids. That means picking peaches in batches, peeling and slicing them for preserves or freezing to pull out in the dead of winter when everything is hard and cold. Nothing like a peach cobbler to cut through January. Especially when the peaches are your friends. I watered those trees during the long Spring drought, talked to them, labored. It's like with the basil and tomatoes I started as seeds in tiny domed trays on a heating pad while snow fell. Now I eat basil everyday, and make batches of pesto that I'll devour on some gray day to wake the heart up, and pop golden cherry tomatoes warm from the sun for breakfast. Been pickling a lot, too - the fridge is filling with frosty jars of jalapenos, beets, turnips, green beans, radishes, cucumber, watermelon rind. Waste nothing! Food is a gift, growing, cooking, sharing it is my biggest connection to life right now - while everyone and everyone is fully devoted to pretending the pandemic wasn't and isn't real. It's real for me, I still live with it, face and process it. Earth and its cycles keeps me sane while the world around me is not

Tammy died in my arms today, my good big girl. She was such a blessing & I'm so honored she trusted me - it took 8 years to woo her! A tough feral cat having babies in these streets & refusing to let anyone close. But my dog & I won her over, and I was able to give her things she'd never known: safety, sleepy cuddles, soft blankets, toys! She savored all of it and told me how grateful she was, all the time. Calm, soft, solid - o Tammy! My tank. Her illness progressed fast and her death was a mercy - she's not suffering anymore. O it all goes too fast! Too too fast

Hug your loves, it's over before you know it and the end, the end is more finite than we can conceive -

fruits of my labor

these are the things that win my heart