French being spoken by 2 adults and one child at my window at dawn

The Lost Year
(Man, it was terrific)

Go ahead and say yes to sorrow, stop trying to murder it with a contrivedly positive attitude.  Do not  under any circumstances act as if you"chose" any of it and never ever act so presumptuous as to tell someone else to "act as if you chose this".  Experiments in fake abundance are banned.  Embrace the randomness of your traumas, ridicule those who think otherwise, exposing them as shucksters out to dull the sparkly vagaries of human experience with empty promises.  Pain is fantastic, the gateway to compassion.  Grief is abundant, the pool of enlightenment from which enlightened people drink.  Secrets of angels live in there, not in the bouncy cheeriness of pep-talkers.  You are God like this, or good, or evil, all equal, nothing is the only thing really.

How I spent my Lost Year.  Belly up to a bevy of local pubs, finally surrendered to cigarettes, lost bills, lost lipstick.  I watched people go from hot to cold to hot and I watched my share of pool games played by tousled skillful boys.  There were jokes and remembrances of things past.  I was unapologetic and brimming with bullshit.  Streets I walked alone at night you wouldn't visit in the full light of day.  Risks upon risks, stupid and pissed, paved my path to emptiness.  I didn't want to go home and if I did I brought strangers.  We'd dance to hip hop and smoke on the back porch while the sun came up.  Adding to their confusion, I wouldn't even kiss.  I wasn't in this for sex, that's for damn sure, this had nothing to do with craving human connection, being lonely, or feeling unloved.  I offered my year to the Gods and Goddesses of Existentialism and yes, I understand their philosophy of non-suicide.  I offered it to the Gods and Goddesses of Structuralism and that resulted in an even better party.  The Gods and Goddesses of Post Modernism said sure, fine, but the flip side, Elizabeth?  Isn't it time you got to the flip side?

What can I say, lads and lasses, it was 12 months crafted and performed with utter conviction: I didn't believe anything but acted like I did.  It could only last so long, sure, but I did it with wit and grace, that letting go, those awkward and impervious days.  Let me tell you how it began, what kind of things have to happen to a woman of my wisdom in order for this level of self-indulgence to have been maintained -

Comments

[Indy 500]

waiting -

[Eli]

you'll have to buy it

[VV]

Fuck yeah, I hate those "life is what you make it" do-gooders and their fake optimism. When you're happy I trust it. I don't trust hippies under any circumstances.

[Eli]

Unless it's coming from Rinpoche or Pema Chodron or the guy who runs the homeless shelter I don't want any "spiritual advice", especially not from people who live in L.A. or who get their rent paid by their mom.